Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) suffered two black eyes and a broken nose playing hockey around New Year’s Day. Can anyone tell us why a 68-year-old man is playing hockey? You would think that hockey, being a fast-paced game would be kinda difficult for someone who takes three years to speak a sentence.

Check out this video of some Chinese soldiers tossing a live grenade around like it’s nothing, throwing it into a hole and dramatically jumping away as the charge detonates. What the hell are they doing this for? Are they fucking nuts?

It appears that the video is an instructional one for dignitaries, but we don’t speak Mandarin so we can only guess.

Today state senator Mary Margaret Haugen (D), announced she would vote for the bill, giving it just enough votes to pass in the Senate. It already has enough votes in the House and Governor Chris Gregoire already pledged to sign it into law. Haugen said in her statement, that she took so long to decide because she had “to reconcile my religious beliefs with my beliefs as an American, as a legislator, and as a wife and mother who cannot deny to others the joys and benefits I enjoy.”

If you were fortunate enough not to drown in last week’s cruise ship disaster in Italy, Costa Cruises would like to reward you. No, not with a free cruise, but with 30% off your next cruise! Costa Cruises spokespeople confirmed to the Telegraph that, “The company is not only going to refund everybody but they will offer a 30 per cent discount on future cruises if they want to stay loyal to the company.”

Happy sailing!

Huge star and international celebrity, Kevin “K-Fed” Federline, was hospitalized due to chest pains, while filming on the Australian weight loss show called “Excess Baggage” The Telegraph said.

A spokesperson for the show confirmed that Federline’s pulse rate spiked to an unhealthy level during one of the show’s fitness challenges. Don’t worry all you tens of K-Fed fans, he’s in no way any closer to dying, but the trip to the ER was just a precaution.

[Via D-Listed, image via Splash News]

Representative Gabrielle Giffords of Arizona announced that she will be stepping down from Congress later this week, just over a year after being shot by Jared Lee Loughner in Tucson. She announced her decision in a YouTube video posted Sunday afternoon.

If you go swimming in Papua New Guinea, guard your balls, because this fish wants to eat them. The Pacu Fish has human-like teeth and thoroughly enjoys biting testicles, ensuring a nice slow, bloody death.

The Pacu Fish is known as the ‘Ball Cutter’ in Papua New Guinea, according to the Telegraph. Locals have reported two deaths as a result of the Pacu Fish ball-bite. According to reports, the Pacu Fish goes to town on unsuspecting fishermen and swimmers when they’re in the water. What. The. Hell.

The Pacu can grow up to 60 pounds, ensuring my travel plans never include New Guinea.

Stop your bitching about that new Wal-Mart that just opened in your neighborhood, super low prices are the least of your local small business’ worries. Amazon, apparently not happy with the fact that it’s slowly destroying America’s economy, announced it will pay customers $5 to go into a local store, scan an item, walk out, and buy the same item on Amazon.

To get the $5 discount, you’re supposed to use Amazon’s “Price Check” iPhone and Android app to scan in the bar code of an item and then indicate what price the item is being sold at. This gives Amazon valuable intelligence on how various retailers are pricing various items. “We scour online and in-store advertisements from other retailers, every day, year-round,” an Amazon director said on All Things D. Now Amazon won’t have to employ those intelligence-gatherers because it has a mobile force of millions of dolts who will gladly rat out their local retailer who pump precious taxes into local economies, just to save $5 on a toaster oven or Kindle Fire.

If Amazon was asking people to do this to Wal-Mart, it’d be a different issue. But please don’t be an asshole walking from local store to local store, scanning products and buying them somewhere else.

Poor Michelle Bachmann, she’s had a tough week, what with all the little gay activists interrupting her book tour run for the White House. In the latest attack upon our beloved Michelle, 8 year old Elijah approaches Bachmann while she tries to peddle her broken autobiography to naive South Carolinians and whispers in her ear, “Miss Bachmann, my mommy’s gay but she doesn’t need fixing.”

Bachmann instantly goes from nice sort of pretty old lady into mean GOP monster lady and sends the little boy on his way, gay mommies in tow. Haven’t seen her that shocked since she fashion-modeled for Newsweek.

According to MSNBC, the guidelines are meant to protect organ recipients from getting HIV, hepatitis B, or hepatitis C from their new organs. But they may have unintended side effects. Several experts point out that flagging everyone who’s been non-monogamous this year as high-risk would affect a lot of people. Says transplant surgeon Dr. Harry Dorn-Arias, “With the new guidelines, every college student in America will be high risk.” The new rules don’t mean people with multiple sexual partners would be banned from donating, but they’d have to disclose their sexual history and receive more testing. Dorn-Arias points out that this could discourage young people from donating to family members: “If you were going to give your organ to your mom or dad or sister, you’re going to be ashamed of that. You’re either going to say no, or you’re going to lie.” It might also make recipients afraid of accepting organs from non-monogamous donors, leading to longer wait times, declining health, or even death. Says transplant administrator Tracy Giacoma,

It’s probably going to triple what we consider high risk at this point. It may scare patients off from taking these organs. More patients may die because they don’t take these organs.

MSNBC points out that existing guidelines also exclude men who’ve had sex with men in the past five years, a group also prohibited from giving blood in the US. This policy has received a lot of criticism — in the UK, gay men can now give blood, but they must still have been celibate for a year.

Basically, everyone is a disease-ridden lump of blood and body parts. And disease. You sluts.